Crack Shepard
by LitNiche
Summary: Nonsensical crack that should be taken for just that. Liara as LI. 1. Inspired by BuzzFeed's "69 Thoughts We've All Had While Drunk." FemShepard has a night off during ME3 and decides to have some fun in her cabin. What's a drink or two? Why /not/ invite Liara up? Rated M for language and content. 2. Inspired by BF's quizzes...How Shepard Are You Actually? Take the test.
1. Night Off

Shepard's Night Off, inspired by BuzzFeed's "69 Thoughts We've All Had While Drunk"; Cover art: "Kira + Liara - Quiet Corner" by Asarimaniac on deviantART.

Context: Sometime in ME3.

* * *

I'm really tired.

I'll have a glass of Serrice Ice and then just pass out.

Wow, this stuff isn't bad. The doc was right. And, hey, I'm feeling a little better.

I wonder what the mess cooked for dinner…

Why is Garrus messaging me about the guns? I'm pretty sure he's just going to keep calibrating no matter what I tell him.

Should I have another drink?

Nah, I should get to sleep. Sleep is good.

Fuck it, one more should be fine. I mean, I opened the bottle, right?

Man, this music is awesome. I wonder why the Alliance put it in here. Did Traynor pick it?

Garrus, for the love of the Goddess, I'm not helping you calibrate all night.

Seriously, I'm hungry. Did I pick up the good ingredients back on the Citadel or… man, it's been literally years since I just had a fucking burger. Damn, that sounds good. I mean, bread, pickles, ketchup, mustard, onions, tomato, cheese—the whole gang! on a delicious blob of meat. Genius. Mother fucking genius.

I wonder if Garrus and Tali could have a burger…or a dextro burger…or something.

Has Liara ever had a burger? Ha, she'd be adorable even stuffing her face.

She's so pretty.

I'm so glad I have her. So lucky. Sooooo awesome.

I literally need a burger right now. I might kill someone just to make them into a burger.

I wonder how pyjack burger is.

Fuck, this song is the shiiiit.

How drunk do I have to be to invite Liara up?

One more drink can't hurt.

I just want onnnnne kiss.

Fuck yeah, this song's even beeeetterrrrr!

You know what I haven't done in literally forever? That's right, wardrobe, I'm coming for ya!

Hoody and cargoes are sweeeet. So comfy. And I'm badass with that N7 stripe. Bitches, look out.

Damn, my ass looks good in my blues though. And look at these guns, son!

I fucking hate this dress. My hips look ginormous. Hasn't anyone seen me sit? Dresses are not advisable.

This is Commander Fucking Shepard and these are my favorite dress blues in the galaxy!

Sexiness. Don't ever change, girl.

Who the fuck wears this civilian shit? It's literally a burlap sack. Itchy.

Hoody and nothing else it is! Fuck it! It's myyyyy cabin.

Drinky drink for the lady, please.

Ooops, spillage.

You know, what? Dancing, that's what.

What now?! I'm the best dancer in this whooooole cabin.

Liara's pretty good at dancing.

This song is kind of shit for seducing someone though.

Would it kill the girl to come up to my cabin more than twice? I'd literally stop the mission if she'd just come up here. Reapers can suck my ass.

Oooh, look at all my pretty fish.

That eel's cool. So slimy and snakey. He's like the badassiest of all these guys.

The jellyfish are cool too…when they don't kill my other fish.

VI feeders are the shit.

Imma feed them anyway.

Twice.

I won't call Liara up, I won't call Liara up.

Fuuuuck, I'm still hungry.

What if I call Liara and ask if she's ever had a burrrger?

GENIUS!

No, she's probably asleep.

Fuck, but I'm hungry and well…

I'll message her. Thaaat way, if she's asleep, she won't think I'm a total jerkwipe.

Yep, jerkwipe. 'S a word now.

Fuck, she's not responding.

Ok fine, MORE BURGERS FOR MEEEEEEE!

Dear. Mess. Person. Shepard-Commander. Wants. Fooooood.

I miss Rupert.

Disgusting son of a bitch was funny.

Fuuuuck, Liaaaaaraaa! Why no respond?

Screw it, I should jusss go to bed now….'s better.

Water. Aspirin. Those things. Preparation = key.

Burrrrgers though!

Fuck, Liara responded! Oh shit!

Ok, be cool, Shepard. She's coming up. Be cool.

Ahh, shit, why did I throw all my clothes on the floor?

I should getta glass for Liara.

Soooo pretty.

Sooo fucking hot.

Shit, I'm not wearing pants. Pants would probably be good.

Fuck fuck fuck, she's at the door, I heard her! One more leg and then they're on.

Wow, she's prettier every day.

I'm such a dick. She deserves so much better.

My fucking goddess, she kisses like sweet goddess yumminess.

Offer her a damn drink, you asshole.

There, she's had a drink. Less of an asshole now.

Yes please. More kissing please.

This is the best night EVAR!

Woah, woah woooooaaaaah! Hello vertigo!

No, I'm fine, Li.

Drunk? Pffffffff!

I'm not evennnnnn drunk. I'm kewl.

Taking advantage of me?!

Woman, errrrr, Asari if you don't get back on this couch-!

Ok, more kissing. Better now. No more leaving. Ever.

Mine.

Come on, T'Soni, one more drink won't hurt you.

I'll even pull out the good Thessia shit.

Bam! Elasa!

Yes, it's more potent.

Yes, we're both still drinking.

No, I'm fine.

Just stop spinning like that.

Hey, I'm not the one that insists on spinning.

Fuck the floor's doing it too.

Fiiiiine! I'm drunk.

Cute, huh? Damn straight, Blue.

More for the lady? Ugh, so sloooow. You gotta catch up.

Watch how it's done.

Ok, that was the last one. Promisssse.

Whaaaat?! You've _never _had a piggy back ride?

Mission Piggy Back Ride Accomplished.

Am I feeling ok?

I'm kinda seeing double.

Kinda.

Like the song?

Yeah, you're right; it's not that great.

Soooooo….me, you, my cabin.

Just sayin'.

What? I said I'm drunk.

Didn't they teach you that in graduate school, T'Soni? Drunk + soulmate = sex.

Yeah, soulmate, why?

Yay, more kissing!

Wow, and biting, sweetness.

Ok, apparently the hoody is coming off.

No fair, you're stuff comes off too.

Ugh, sweetness. Best night ever ever.

Huh? Bed?

Oh! Yes please.

Blue is definitely my favorite color. Ever.

Ok, ok, let her make _that_ decision.

Oh, thank the goddess. I would have died. Critical Mission Failure died if this didn't go beyond kissing.

I'm beginning to think the Protheans were a bunch of pervs. They didn't have to make asari be so sextacular.

Mmm, she's so fucking good.

Mmmmmmm, biotics.

Goddess, those eyes.

How can she be so fucking sexy and so sweet at the same time?

Luckiest. Human. Ever.

Fuck it. Luckiest person ever.

Morrrre! …

Wow.

Ok, I can die now. Heaven achievement unlocked.

Huh. Tired again.

Is she…spooning me?

Must. Not. Laugh. Too. Fucking. Cute!

Feels nice, actuallllly.

Really …nice….zzzzzzzzz


	2. How Shep Are You?

How Shepard Are You Actually?

Check all that apply:

You like to have fun.

You like to have fun, with alcohol.

You like to have fun, with alcohol, preferably with a lush of a drinking partner.

You pretty much drink with Tali or Wrex.

You drink ryncol because someone said you couldn't.

You drink elasa because you think it's sophisticated.

You have shot someone in the face.

Lots of times.

And laughed.

You have missed shooting someone in the face.

Lots of times.

And Garrus laughed at you.

You yell at people as you omni-blade them.

Sometimes you yell special things.

Like 'muahahaha!'

Or 'ooh, that's hurts, don't it?'

Or 'That's for _, you son of a bitch!'

Or the classic, 'eat it!'

You think biotic blasts are pretty.

You use cryo ammo because it explodes your enemies into pieces and that's AWESOME!

You pause in the middle of a firefight to give 'googly' eyes to Liara.

Lots of times.

In a single firefight.

Seriously.

You are an honorary krogan.

Grunt calls you 'Mommy'

You have head-butted people to keep them in their place.

Lots of times.

You have absolutely zero fucks to give about what any dalatrass has to say.

You blubbered for Legion.

Thane was your Soul-Bro

And Mordin's singing made you cry.

Your assault rifle is your 'baby'

Your pistol is your 'baby'

Pretty much every gun is your 'baby'

Don't touch your babies.

You visit Liara's office every time you pass it.

And come out with a stupid grin.

Your armor is the shit.

Because you spend waaaaay too much time messing with it.

You tell other people what to wear.

And don't let them off the ship otherwise.

You invite people up to your cabin for pep talks.

When Liara comes up, that's a different story.

Your mind is sexy.

And that ass doesn't hurt.

You have pretty much saved everyone's ass at some point.

You jog EVERYWHERE.

But you constantly run out of breath.

You have a gazillion favorite stores on the Citadel.

Journalists make your ass twitch.

You can't go anywhere without someone trying to kill you.

You dance like you just don't care.

Your driving, like your dancing, should really matter more to you.

You have personally pillaged every planet in the galaxy.

You squealed the first time someone called your quarian bestie "Tali'Zorah vas Normandy'

You feed your fish even though you spent a stupid amount of credits on a VI.

Speaking of VIs, you're thinking of installing the Shepard VI in the cockpit just to see the look on Joker's face.

Your hamster is as unruly as you are.

You wish you could have a pet varren.

People hit on you.

Lots.

And you give zero fucks, because look at that blue mf face! Li's gorgeous!

You've sexiled the galaxy for some blue action on multiple occasions.

You have the uncanny ability to find ancient, supposedly dead races.

You've daydreamed about fighting yourself in battle.

Then you did it.

And won.

Or did you…

Sometimes you just look at all the pretty stars out the port observation deck.

You make pew pew noises as you play with your ship models.

You've appeared in a Blasto film as yourself.

You've thrown a party just to get Liara drunk.

Who are you kidding?

Ok, getting your entire squad drunk was kinda the goal that night.

You own an excessive amount of weapon mods.

You pick up anything you find.

Finders keepers, am I right?

You've flipped off the Illusive Man.

And the Council.

Several times.

It felt reeeeeaaaalllly good.

You've been to Hell and back.

You've killed mf Reapers, son!

Personally.

Shit. Got. Real.

You will lead the galaxy to victory if you have to kick everyone's collective ass the whole way through.

You will win.

You will win and live.

You are mf Commander Shepard.


End file.
